My Pocket

Oui, c'est beau Paris

Paris started out just as rainy as Britain, oh bummer... We hid under umbrellas through the worst of it, just short of reaching the Eiffel tower (see it just beyond the trees). Wide rivulets were forming on the paths and we had some fun navigating across those, or exploring the Mekong delta which is how my dad experienced it. He can rarely take anything out of the ordinary seriously. Actually, not much of the ordinary either, now that I think of it. He's the one holding the umbrella in the picture by the way.

I love the French newspaper and magazine stands everywhere. Not just a great place for some gossip, but like an open-air bookshop too. That's my mum in the picture.

I'm fond of the fruit and veg displays outside the shops, I keep a lookout for them in Britain too. There's something so wonderfully old-fashioned or exotic about it. We managed to find a small market too which made my day. The berries were sold there. Along the little square where a line of shops - the greengrocer, the fishmonger, the butcher, the charcuterie, the boulangerie (bakery) and the winery, all in a row!

Mum and I found a pair of sandals each - her red with white dots, mine black.

Carl Fredrik (my brother) and I enjoyed ourselves in the evening with taking night-time shots out the window of the neon lights beyond the hotel. He is one budding photographer I think, he's got a great way with the camera and is so imaginative. We tried catching the headlights of the cars passing on the street below and had a lot of laughs in the process - quick, quick, now! Aaawww... Again - now, now!

We strolled along the Seine on my last day, after window shopping in Saint-Germain-de-Pres and I like that kind of holiday time the most. Just wandering along, seeing what you find and ending up wherever you do.

One of the things I like the most about travelling are the exotic smells. Doesn't really matter what, just whatever reminds me that I'm in a foreign country. I still suddenly find myself back in India whenever I smell anything resembling the smoke from smouldering burnt rubbish and it always makes me happy before I realise what I'm actually smelling. :) In France it was more from baking wafting out from the boulangeries, smell of lunch from the sidewalk restaurants, a wiff of incense from an open doorway, laundry somewhere or just summer sunshine warming the pavement.

In the end we ended up by Notre Dame and sat people-watching on the side for a while, resting our feet. Wish I could have spent some more days with them, strolling around breathing in the atmosphere, but there it is. It's back to work for me now. I'm so revitalised though, it did the trick those two days. I'm inspired too, French people have so much better taste in clothes than the British (sorry!) and I saw many people who had their own style going on. Perhaps that is a capital city phenomenon, but still. I love seeing different cultures.

That was a happy little holiday for me. Thank you mum and dad! Love you.

s u p p e r

My project for the moment: Supper. That meal has been in need of some improvement for a while but lately we've managed quite well! Roasted peppers, aubergine, baked potatoes, tomatoes, bean burgers, butternut squash soup, fresh green beans, asparagus and risotto rice. Getting some essentials like an oven and a dining table obviosly helped, but cooking and eating together is what does it for me. If I know I'm cooking for somebody else as well as myself then I usually have no problem finding inspiration. I know I'll need a plan B for inspiration on my own at some point, but for now I'm just establishing the habit of cooking something proper.

My cooking is very simple, by necessity. I'm a freak food-wise, my body doesn't tolerate most vegetarian staples. No wheat, dairy, lentils, chick-peas, soya beans, soya, peas and some other pulses, peanuts, hazelnuts, brazil nuts and some other nuts, rye, spelt, yeast, sugar, fruit or anything remotely sweet. If I stick with this limited diet however, I feel good - like most people. It requires planning and thought put into it, but it's nothing more than a very simple diet really - vegetables, beans, grains and some fish.

Next project is lunch. Lunch is not as bad as supper as I eat lunch at the school, but because I'm mostly allergic to the cooked lunch there I've been eating salads for years now. This is for various reasons not the best thing for me to do, so my plan is when I've established a good supper preparing pattern I'll keep some for the following day's lunch. Persuade them to give me a little space by the hobs in the school kitchen to heat up my meal.

Sorry about this rather boring post! It's important to me though, part of some changes going on in my life. Life becomes so poor if your diet is bland and limited and for me that has unfortunately been the case. I'll try to post some nice photos of what I'm eating as I go along anyway, more pics - less ranting, promise! I've got an excellent vegetarian cook book finally and I found a bright red notebook (paperblanks - love them!) for writing down recipes.

My plan is to have a list of options for recipes for each day of any given month. I'll have to see if it works and that soon probably as we're running out of bright ideas in the evenings really. Tonight? Buckwheat pancakes methinks...

mischievous hair...

...mischievous smile.

Sunday and not much to say. Studying mainly. Learning acupuncture points of the head! Thought I'd take another self portrait shot as I haven't done in ages. They still never turn out very well, but I keep trying. My hair has grown! Golly, it's quick. It does as it pleases as well. Hope you're having a peaceful or productive Sunday, as you like! Be well.

sniffles and magic

Sniffly today and not much to say.

Feels like a day to cuddle up with a good book or sit in front of an inspiring film! Hope you are!

Oh, listen to The Books if you can - they've got some interesting music, like None but Shining Hours or Twelve Fold Chain. And Tunng I like too - Woodcat, The Wind-up Bird or Song of the Sea. Well, now that I'm at it, I will just recommend one more: The Album Leaf : Streamside, Story Board (recorded I don't know where, with cars passing outside the window - ha! Delightful!) and Twenty Two Fourteen, but lots of them are lovely. The quirky, instrumental and especially magical vibes of all these groups delight me, try them!

I like magical... See you!

farewell

Last night was the night of the Farewell Dinner. All the leaving students, mature students and staff make leaving speeches at this formal dinner held for the whole school. This year there were 37 people leaving, which is a lot for any given year, and it took more than three hours to get through all the people saying something. Each year it humbles me, hearing all these wonderful people speak about their year or years here. I always feel like I haven't got involved enough, never get to know enough of them, don't spend enough time at the school. The students live such an intense and unique life here, close together and learning about themselves at a terrific speed.

There's no comparing to that really, but I still set myself the challenge each year to push myself a bit more out of my comfort zone. I run and hide as often as I can, feeling awkward and out of place with all these people around. There is always something going on and opportunitites present themselves to learn something new and I am mostly too scared to take advantage of it. I learn lots on my own, but I would like to learn about sharing time and experiences with others more. In any case, there are several students I did get to know somewhat and this is their last day, so I am off now to hand out hugs. Take care.

I am not I

I am not I.
I am this one
Walking beside me whom I do not see,
Whom at times I manage to visit,
And at other times I forget.
The one who remains silent when I talk,
The one who forgives, sweet, when I hate,
The one who takes a walk when I am indoors,
The one who will remain standing when I die.

Juan Ramon Jimenez, translated by Robert Bly

I found this poem, in Spanish, when I lived in Barcelona for a few months and it stayed with me. It was in Barcelona that I really made walking a habit. I had just come back from my trip in India a month earlier, and in India the last place I had been was Rishikesh, staying at an ashram. At the ashram I met a Finnish girl, Heidi (miss you Heidi!), who went for walks in the surrounding hills every day and she showed me the paths she took. When she left the ashram to go further up into the Himalayan foothills I continued walking those paths alone every morning before lunch and I felt so happy. It was one of the happiest times in my life.

I did an hour and a half of yoga asanas each morning at 7.00 am and again each afternoon at 3.00 pm. I made a habit of avoiding the meditation classes at 5.30 am and 5.00 pm - I wasn't ready for meditation in my life and in any case, I still don't like that kind of dark room mass meditation with a technique to apply for the one hour on the dot. I stayed up on one of the roof tops instead, lying on my back watching the stars come out and listening to the pooja taking place on the other side of the Ganges. The walking was my kind of meditation and it did wonders to my peace and clarity of mind.

However, when I came to Barcelona I had forgotten about walking and was first quite miserable in the early evenings after work as I am a rather boring introvert girl when it comes to socialising and coming up with exciting things to do. I just prefer observing and living a life of simple pleasures. Walking is just that for me. It took a while to get into the habit however - I was so tired and dull-minded coming back from work that it took a lot of coaxing and encouraging just to get out of the house and on the way. Listening to music helped immensely with that, skipping down the winding streets to the seafront. I would always go the same way: down the hill through the residential area I lived in, past all these lovely Spanish houses with lush front gardens with lemon trees, jasmine, manicured pot plants and little patios. I loved the warmth and exotic smells, ocean air in the breeze, Spanish snippets of conversation as people were out and about, glimpsing some Mediterranean blue at the bottom of the hill and feeling the warm road under my feet.

There was an esplanade running the length of the beach and I would walk to the end of that strip, turn around and walk back. All this would take me about 45 minutes or an hour and it was bliss. Watching people enjoying the beach, breathing in the fresh air and walking quickly. That made me happy.

There goes the fear

Out of here
We're out of here
Out of heartache
Along with fear

There goes the fear again
There goes the fear

Close your brown eyes
And lay down next to me
Close your eyes, lay down
'Cos there goes the fear
Let it go

You turn around and life's passed you by
You look to ones you love to ask them why
You look to those you love to justify
You turned around and life's passed you by
Passed you by again

-----

There goes the fear again
Let it go
There goes the fear
Let it go

The Doves

This song was in my head all through the three month yoga retreat I attended. Especially during the month of complete silence it would pipe up whenever I got lost in thoughts, making me smile. It was like a friend, a happy feeling somewhere inside, a crazy drum beat that would make my heart flutter and my body feel light and mischievious. The retreat was a retreat in the true sense of the word with no contact with the outer world and no music apart from the singing, playing of instruments and dancing we occasionally did in the evenings. This retreat was very difficult and frightening for me in some ways and some aspects of myself that were challenged there I am still struggling with.

However, it was very important to me as well because I learnt so much and found myself in a way I might not have had I never gone, so I am grateful. Hearing this song again yesterday I wanted to write about it because when I came back out from the ashram listening to this song was one of the first things I did. It was like drinking water after having been thirsty for a very long time and the feeling still makes me happy, that crazy drum beat escalating, jumping up and down with the joy of being free, shaking all the heaviness out of my body.

'Cos there goes the fear. Let it go.

haircut II

I did it again. It wasn't exactly planned to come out this way, but I like it. It looks a bit like a 1920's haircut. Except it's not as neat around the back where the curls do as they please. I like that too, unruly curls. My hair needs a bit of life and letting loose, like me. I'll show you a picture of the back later, couldn't get a good angle on my own. My best friend Eli cut it again, she's amazing! She has only ever cut two women's hair, one with curly hair and then me with straight and curly. I trust her and besides it's far nicer to sit in our front garden than in front of a mirror. Her rate is very reasonable too - I cook her supper.

She has lovely hair herself. Well, all of her is lovely really.

catching up

Happy June to you!

I feel lucky in that the warm sunny weather we had in April gave me a chance to have my summer holidays then, in those precious weeks inbetween my college years, and now that the May weather has been blustery and rather cold I've not had a chance to complain anyway with assignments to write. I always love this time of year though, remembering the last days of school as a kid before the summer break that began in the first week of June, lilacs flowering and the fresh green everywhere, whispering promises of free time adventures.

I feel like I've got some catching up to do, so here are the things I would have blogged about had there been the time:

Goodbye old friend...

Hello new sewing machine!

I've been so happy with my old Singer handcranked machine that for a long time I saw no need to have a modern one. It's handled making bags, mending clothes, hemming, sewing stage costumes for the school play, the curtains for the school concert (oh the mileage of black fabric!) and outfits for the dancers, but my imagination gradually started nagging me about the things my friend just can't do. So now I have two.

First thing to make I think will be something with the fabric with spots, perhaps with the green linen I bought a while ago. I've really got a thing for green lately, and always for linen. The fabrics above are from Superbuzzy by the way.

I found this linen skirt in the charity shop and I love wearing it as an apron. Digging my hands deep into the pockets.

I've been exploring taking self portraits of myself lately. For a long time I've just abhorred having my picture taken and the only progress I've made is to allow people to do it on the condition that I don't have to see it afterwards. A good friend that I trust inspired me to look into it though and I want to try it for a while to see what might happen. It is different if I'm the one taking my picture as the control is with me and I can be alone with it, so it's not quite the same as the real thing, but it's a good start for me. Also, deciding to put the photos on flickr makes it more of a challenge. My aims with this endeavour are:

- to feel more comfortable, if not relaxed, in front of the camera
- to get used to what I look like to other people, something I haven't wanted to face
- to let go somewhat of the importance my appearance has to me
- to challenge the image I have of myself in my head, something similar to what I'm doing with this blog
- to show who I am to other people, something I dread and again want to do with this blog

Last thing is - these bracelets:

I'm thoroughly enjoying exploring what it means to be a woman, something that takes a bit of courage for a tomboy like me. Bracelets is the latest thing and those colourful little beads have been the sunshine of my day since I got them on our Isle of Wight camping holiday. The bigger bead bracelet was a gift from a very good friend who visited from the States the last couple of weeks.

Well, that's quite enough for now... Enjoy your summer days!

haircut

I had my hair cut - this is the new length:

My best friend cut it after I came back from the hairdresser all disappointed with myself - it looked exactly the same as before I went in, minus two centimeters of length... I love it now, she cut a good chunk off, not quite 10 centimeters I suppose but nearly. Afterwards I cut some off myself too in front of the mirror - I loved doing that, I'll do it again. I'm not too fussed about it being straight and even and I need to let loose a bit for sure. Self portraits are a sign of that too because I normally can't stand having my picture taken, but I think I'm going to experiment with that...