My Pocket

the little girl that is me

self portrait challenge : blue

Hello you (yes you!) :) How's it going? I feel like I've not really been present here lately, though I have of course. When things get stirred up and haven't yet settled in my mind and heart I normally retreat from the world but I've been challenging myself recently. So in a way, I've been here but not completely. I've been living stuff that didn't have words so I wrote about the things that did.

Before Christmas I had two extraordinary acupuncture treatments that turned me upside down like one of those snow globes, and for a while I couldn't see and I was so afraid, and it felt like I had finally broken down. The thing is, I've for as long as I can remember wanted to break down. I was one of those kids who grow up a bit too fast I think, take on too much too soon. My parents loved me, I was the apple of my mum's eye, her quiet little helper. And I was ever so happy to do it, I took care of my younger brother when the second brother took all my mum's time, helped in any way I could. Including becoming invisible.

I can't remember crying, running to my parents with feelings too big to handle, complaining about being abandoned at daycare though I hated it or allowing myself to be weak or small. My favourite response to most things was and still is: I know. I've got it under control, leave me alone, I can do this! Inside I was getting tired though. I had no stable ground in me, no safe place to run back to when the world was overwhelming, which was most of time. Terrified of being alone with the fear, terrified of surrendering to someone else. I had never learnt how to be a 'mum' to myself, only to other people. Soldiering on stubbornly, angrily realising that I had missed out on something and I couldn't really blame anyone. Circumstances came about as they do and I chose to do what I did.

I wanted to break down, be helpless, for someone to scoop me up - you've done enough. But I couldn't. In the meantime I refused to give myself what I needed, slipping down the martyr route, waiting for life to become fair. The anger was so strong, holding me together, refusing to abandon that little girl who couldn't cry. My life couldn't be reconciled, torn in two.

The treatment I had is used for letting go, letting go of whatever it is that possesses you, devours you. I had come to a place where I was ready to let go, but I couldn't. I still don't know if I've completely let go, but I do know that there is a voice in my head that wasn't there before. When I throw my hands up in the air and want to crawl back to the only safe places I know, the places that ultimately hurt and steal your time, she comforts me. I broke down, on the inside, in the quietest little heap, but I broke down enough for that little girl to feel supported. She can deal with all the little things that used to be overwhelming now. And when we can't deal with it, we take it one small step at a time. There's a hand to hold and a voice to say, it's ok, honey. you're doing fine.

Be helpless, dumbfounded
Unable to say yes or no.
Then a stretcher will come from grace
to gather us up.

We are too dull-eyed to see that beauty.
If we say we can, we're lying.
If we say No, we don't see it,
that No will behead us
And shut tight our window onto spirit.

So let us rather not be sure of anything,
Beside ourselves, and only that, so
Miraculous beings come running to help.
Crazed, lying in a zero circle, mute,
We shall be saying finally,
With tremendous eloquence, Lead us.
When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
We shall be a mighty kindness.

Zero Circle, Rumi

I'm so glad you liked my doors. It was part of my therapy to draw the imagery I had been asked to create in our session as homework, so this drawing is from then. That's what came up when I was asked to see three doors so they are part of my reality, not part of the exercise. I didn't make that clear, so really, your doors might not look anything like it! For me of course I was drawn to the little blue one on the left, I thought this is my future. And it was.

The beauty of that therapy was that it lasts though, and those doors keep taking on different meanings. I still don't know what it all meant. I love the rainforest and for a long time abhorred the dead parking lot and meaningless crowd in the kitchen. But maybe those doors were just as important? Maybe I just needed to make them mine? I wanted to take down that wooden door heavy with obligation, respectability and rules and make that empty space a peaceful haven to retreat into. A safe place with only myself, the silence and possibility to cradle me.

The kitchen had always both terrified me and enthralled me - I couldn't stand being with people and I couldn't stand not being with them. That place is still hectic and a scary place, but it's far more colourful and that shabby white door is really quite beautiful now. I've realised I'm welcome there as far as everybody else is concerned but the panic lies in me, I can only stay for as long as that little girl is comfortable. And that's ok. :)

Thank you for understanding and sharing your stories. It makes me so grateful to know you are out there, wonderful people creating your lives, making them yours. Wishing you clarity and colourful paths.

needling

I'm off to college again and thought I'd just tell you what I've been up to study-wise. (For any needle-squeamish people, it might be best to skim the next bit.) We've just begun needling our classmates and ourselves in the knee (in areas without proper points), just for practice. Until now we've only used a needle pod with a rubbery type of lid and now we're practicing the real thing. It's all becoming more real and I've been going through some major readjusting in my head to go to the next stage. I'm very much in my head I think and when it comes to the practical aspects and actually doing it, I balk a little. I'm very excited by the fact that I am actually going to become an acupuncturist, something that has been rather theoretical so far, but the step from dreaming about it and actually donning the shoes is a bit daunting. But we're becoming friends, me and the needles, and the things we'll be able to do...

deer and other things

I've been up early enough to see the deer these last couple of days, going off to do some clinical observations. That's a fancy description for sitting in the corner of an acupuncturist's treatment room, quietly observing all the goings on, taking notes and writing up a description of it. To get a degree in acupuncture you have to do 30 hours of this per year, arranging it yourself. I really like the acupuncturists I go to, they always inspire me and they're so helpful. I can't quite believe I'll be doing this myself in a couple of years' time, that makes me so happy.

The summer sun and warmth has returned to us finally and everytime I go outdoors I feel my body absorbing as much of the nourishing rays as possible. I want to go on holiday soon, leaving this place for a while. I haven't been away much and I need to clear my eyes and my heart. Before the students arrive back and the place fills up again. I hope you have had beneficial times off and away or you are going!

mischievous hair...

...mischievous smile.

Sunday and not much to say. Studying mainly. Learning acupuncture points of the head! Thought I'd take another self portrait shot as I haven't done in ages. They still never turn out very well, but I keep trying. My hair has grown! Golly, it's quick. It does as it pleases as well. Hope you're having a peaceful or productive Sunday, as you like! Be well.

: London :

London:

[London Eye from the train]

[London Waterloo train station]

[Tygar skating]

The weekend was good, but busy (and loud!) as usual when we come up to visit. However, I always feel comfortable in their house, you're free to be as you are and really make yourself at home. The boys are growing up, they're now 2, 4 and 6 (or 7 maybe). The newest thing is the skate alley by the side of the house that is no longer a storage place but somewhere to ride up and down the ramps. Even the two-year-old loves it, he sits and rides down one and occasionally up the other. All the boys are very capable and secure in their movements as they have been trusted to develop their skills and use their bodies jumping around and exploring. They very rarely hurt themselves.

This week I've really got to study, as last week I wanted to spend as much time as possible with Eli before she left. So: essay writing, note taking, handout reading, pulse taking and recording it is. I've begun recording some of the information I need to learn into MP3s that I listen to on my iPod. That means I can do other stuff while studying, like learning the functions of the points while putting away books in the library or doing some sewing. It's working well so far, but I need frequent breaks to listen to music or else I lose too much focus.

I hope you had a good weekend and life is treating you well!

lapping it up

Sunday had to be spent over my studies so I thought I might as well make myself comfortable. I did manage to get quite a bit of work done, but it was so marvellously warm and lying out on the grass in the sun without truly lapping it up is a shame.

I was listening to Arcade Fire (Ocean of Noise, Intervention and Neon Bible), Mason Jennings (on recommendation from my brother and I love it - listen to East of Eden or Stars Shine Quietly, but they're all great), Nina Simone (never fails to get my reluctant study brain going - Love Me or Leave Me has the most amazing piano improvisation and I've Got Life is obviously just brilliant) and Phoenix (another recommendation by my brother - Long Distance Call is my favourite, it reminds me of the four years I spent with my boyfriend making 4hr+ phone calls between Sweden and Britain). Speaking of him - look what he took and emailed me:

My pencil case. :) Sent with the subject line: Heart Shaped Pens for You, My Love. :D I love him...

Here I am.

Well, where were we? Feels like I haven't been here for ages. For a change I have actually been busy though, normally I'm Miss Lazybones content daydreaming away. I did my daydreaming fidgeting on a chair in the classroom for six days last week. The beginning of the second year of college. I don't mind getting back down to business, best get on with it right, but oh were the homework-free days lovely...

I stitched this needle case in the sunshine on our porch:

I found a table for my craft corner but have yet to put the shelf up (with my new powertools kindly left by my very good friend next door when he moved - thank you Kwabena!).

My new desk!

I sanded and stained the top and I love the old worn feeling it gives to the wood. The green Stokke chair is another gift (thank you Kwabena!) and I'm intending to live in it for hours at a time poring over my study books.

I've read so many books over the break that I lost count - The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger (wonderfullly touching way to mess with your head), Northern Lights, The Subtle Knife, The Amber Spyglass by Phillip Pullman (magic, witches, gypsies, soul animals and strange worlds - yes please), Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes (third time I read that one, the power of fairy tales in women's lives - the only self-help book I read now), Goodnight Mr Tom by Michelle Magorian (any book where adults are wise and children are allowed to exist as they are is good in my view, but this one is excellent), The Plains of Passage and Shelters of Stone by Jean M Auel (I began reading this series when I was 15 and I still find them enchanting and inspiring - simple, natural life).

Well, that was my break, now back to the heavier books...

follow the dots

One week left until the first year point location exam, hence lots of black dots. I study acupuncture part-time doing a three and a half year long degree course. Every other weekend I go to college for two full days of classes and now I have just finished my first year. The theory behind acupuncture is that in these specific points on the body the energy, or qi, stagnates or creates little whirlpools in all the dips, creases, corners and gaps that are created under the skin by bones, muscles and tendons. This qi is then closer to the surface and can be affected by inserting needles which harmonises the flow in the particular channel that runs there, such as the Lung channel running from the side of my thumb. I love the Chinese Medicine view of things, somehow very practical as the same time as being rather poetic.