on flying

These last three weeks have been some of the heaviest in a long time. I haven't liked myself, crawling through life. Taking on frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, blame, guilt, fatigue, confusion, desperation, shame, resignation and apathy. All wearily added to the heavy load, all pushed down, all blending into the same expression - depression. I wish I was different, that I didn't always react by slipping down the heavy and resigned slope, but I do.

Just before the last exams this past weekend I had acupuncture treatment which felt like a blessing, a light briefly lighting up the last of the path for me. I've finished the second year (fingers crossed no re-sits) and the practical exams went well. I am so tired and closed, but I feel life is shining outside, just waiting for me to wake up and open the window. Things are falling into place silently inside of me, a dreamy state in between.

But really I wish I could emerge from those drenching waters and vigorously shake the drops off like a dog - RAH! Kick a hind paw free of the last of it and trot off along the beach. Not drag it rattling behind me. It does feel like that is the direction though, that's what I need to learn. To turn around and face it, not run. Running makes me so tired, but I've justified it for a long time. Hmm...

Birds have been my source of inspiration lately. There's a quote by G. K. Chesterton: 'Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.' Indeed. Not that I'm even close to being an angel, but interesting isn't it? It's me, my self image and messy past trailing behind me, keeping me tied to the ground. I wonder where I'd like to fly if I could go or do anything? What would you do?

my bird friend. isn't she pretty?

Comments

[kristen]

i'm really inspired by birds too. i'm in love with the birds making their appearance - every morning we're greeted by a cardinal's call.

spring is coming. xo

[Rebekah]

Hello Friend,
I am sorry to hear it has been a rough few weeks. I can relate to many of the feelings you've been experiencing and know how terrible it can feel. It sounds to me like you have a very good plan of coping and are on your way to feeling lighter. I think you are great just the way you are.

[Rachel]

I've had a tumultuous few weeks as well with a mixture of some of the same bad feelings, a desire to retreat to sleep and the fear I've slipped into being depressed. I see the beginnings of spring here and I so want to enjoy them. I touch the tree buds, drink tea in the night air, laugh at the robins. I hope this state I've been in will break like a fever soon. Take care of yourself, Caroline!

[chocolate covered musings]

hello friend. i missed you and it's nice to have you back here in this space. i tend to retreat inwards when i am processing things too and i respect you for doing what you need. just know that i am here, if you ever need a friend to help you share your load.

x

[jessie]

You capture such beauty through your words and I get the feeling that, through writing, you are lightening your load, even if only for a moment.

I think you're beautiful. And I think your depths are what make that so. Fly high, dear friend. There is a bird inside of you.

[joan]

beautiful caroline...

it seems you are not alone dear little bird :)

so many of us are flying a similar emotional path right now as we make our way towards the newness that is Spring.

May your tender heart take flight with the birds and angels today...
for many of us do consider you a little angel indeed.

May you feel our love uplift you and carry you gently forward in the direction of your dreams beautiful one...

love and blessings to you,

xoxoxo

[degan]

oh, hugs! you'll pull through it.

and i love your little bird. it'll lovely and i'm glad it helps you. xox

[linni]

what would i do?

i would breath in deeply...open my eyes just a little bit...to make sure i'm going to do it...close them again....say a little, (big) prayer...breath out....and jump.....but i'm not falling...i'm flying...i'm learning how to pick myself up...to lift my head in braveness and feeling proud of who i am...

i soar in air...as the path of the wind takes me deeper into myself...into the spaces i don't like...and i want to escape from...but knowing i have to go there...for if i don't go ...and talk to them...and feel them...and let them go...i'm always going to feel as if i'm falling...instead of flying...

take my hand sweet friend...

you wanna fly with me?

love you...xx

[ceanandjen]

Oh my, how I can relate this on so many levels. I wish you peace and hope as you continue on and a little bit of understanding from afar. xoxo

[liz elayne]

oh i can relate to this my dear. when i slip down that slope, i just try to breath in and out, repeat, repeat, repeat.
be gentle with yourself.

i have two birds very similar to yours that hang from the ceiling of my little room. i will think of you now when i look up at them floating...

sending you peace and light dear girl...

[maddie]

spring is coming on wings of butterflies and
little birds and your heart will soar again
just like mine:)

[leah]

i understand these feelings so well! and oddly enough i have a little tin birdy (a pair actually) just like yours, hanging in my studio space. birds are all around me in art by myself and others. birds clearly have a deep meaning for me as well. i think of them as messengers.