My Pocket

place of fire

The fireplace. We have one in each of our two rooms, neither of them are functional as they were blocked off years ago. I love the old-fashioned intricate design of them though, and the fact that they are central to the room, somehow giving life, warmth and movement even though there is no flames playing around in the black anymore. Mind you, it would have been coal, so more like a flickering, crackling glow spreading. The setting sun does her best, adding her own decorative patterns to the chimney breast.

I was reminded with this picture of a drawing I did for my psychotherapy homework. (I'm intending to put up more of my drawings soon by the way, including this one, but for now I'll have to draw it in words for you) The assignment I was given this time was to picture my house. :) What would your house look like?

I instantly saw a small, white-washed stone house with a thatched roof. I was approaching it from the front, the side facing the street. It had no windows or door facing this way and there was no front yard - no, that's not true, there was a space there but as it was not fenced in and had nothing but gravel I thought of it more as a parking lot. I walked past the side of the house which looked exactly the same, except a thin, overgrown sunflower/calendula was straggling up the wall.

Once I turned the corner however, the view changed completely. Here was a wild, crowded and chaotic garden of lush plants, shrubs and trees, colourful flowers and herbs growing into and over each other, all in a jumble, covering every inch. That delighted me!

The back of the house had two small windows and a door, all very close to the ground due to the low roof but beautiful in their simplicity - worn, sunbleached wood and a humble step of smooth stones. Indoors there wasn't much either, a mattress on the floor, a few books in piles and strewn on the floor. The ceiling was low and not much light found its way in (not surprising with the lack of windows and a jungle stealing any sunshine from the back!). I suppose the most striking thing though, which I hadn't noticed but my therapist pointed out, was that there was no fireplace. There was no source of warmth and no outlet through the ceiling for smoke or air.

As with all the visualisations I was given, this house represented an aspect of me. Each time I was surprised how instantly and effortlessly the images came to my mind, before my logic gave me a prettier, more appropriate picture that I had to disregard. I didn't have time to mentally reason my way to what I must look like inside if I was a house, I just let it come. The imagery is still with me and I still find truths in it, things I hadn't even considered when I first found them.

The deserted front of the house represents to me my preference to ignore whatever is going on around me and immerse myself in my imagination - turning my back to the bustle of the street. The lush overgrown chaos isn't however creating harmony or letting light come through which shows that so far I hadn't quite harnessed that power of imagination to work for me and nothing much was coming to fruition. The barren inside of the house was pretty much how I felt then - the low oppressive ceiling, the lack of light and the need for an outlet upwards. My feelings had nowhere to go. And I didn't have an inner source of warmth and nourishment.

I learnt so much from that. The importance of collecting kindling for inspiration to light, to keep the fire as hot as I could manage, to let the smoke flow (however small and struggling the wisps were to begin with) out the chimney, to begin the arduous, and very real, work of tending seedling dreams into reality before they grow too quickly into fruitless stragglers, plant seeds where I want them in my garden, not just where they haphazardly fall, and gradually, gradually, to turn my house around, put a few windows in facing the street, let some people in and heighten the ceiling.

I'm comfortable in my house now, though I often need a chimney sweep, I'm a lenient gardener and I still seem to spread my books all over the floor.

Now, what does your house look like?

grow

Hello! Sorry I disappeared for a while. I've been drawing! It's for Illustration Friday, something I've been daring myself to do for a while, and well, here it is.

Edited to add: Apologies to anyone not comfortable with the nudity in this picture. I didn't think twice about it to be honest, but that might be because I'm Swedish. I blame it on that in any case.

The theme for this week was Grow and I was inspired by skogsrået, a mythical figure of Swedish folk tales. She was believed to be a young woman living deep in the woods, in fact her name derives from something like Lady of the Forest, and she would lure young men to their death (a pleasant death at that!), much like a mermaid would. I interpret it as another invention to discourage children and youngsters from straying too far away, physically or mentally. However, in my mind I imagine her as a caretaker of the forest, wandering its depths, knowing every little plant and creature and encouraging them with her magic to grow.

This lady was exquisitely beautiful and mesmerising, always a little way ahead behind the trees, disappearing into thin air as soon as the victim closed in and reappeared further into the woods. Sometimes she was completely naked, obscured only by her long, thick hair, sometimes she would be wearing beautiful clothes. Sometimes you could see a fox's tail sticking out from underneath her skirts, sometimes you'd catch a glimpse of her back underneath the hair - only to see a hollow tree trunk. She was no innocent maiden, that's for sure.

Anyway, for this drawing, I was thinking of skogsrået in the Swedish 70s cult film Äppelkriget, where this dainty woman with flowing brown hair down to her thighs portrayed her, swiftly moving from tree to tree with small steps. She's with the good guys then, as are all the creatures of the countryside and forest. I love that film by the way, especially all the mythical figures, including näcken, the naked guy sitting in the streams playing his fiddle and luring young girls to their death. But that's another story. Watch the film though, I thoroughly recommend it if you can find it.

take your dreams off the shelf

On Friday, when I should have been writing college assignments, I went for a long walk and spent the evening fooling around with handmade stamps in my notebook.

nice weather for ducks

Finished my essay and my assignment! I am so slow, but I am at least done and relieved. Two less on the road of many this year. The weather has been supportive (I'm not being sarcastic!), pouring outside when I had to stay indoors and write and then breaking up into sunshine and blue skies when I went out. It's nice weather for ducks they say and I believe they're right. The neighbour and his duckpond support a very large community of ducks for the moment. Most of the little ducklings that have been born continually through the spring and summer made it into adulthood and are paddling around the fields. They're hilarious when they're all in a row, all 15 or 20 of them at a time, waddling home with their beaks in the air and in a terribly important rush. When I finally get a good shot of them I'll show you.

I've begun drawing a bit again. I've always drawn on and off since I was a child, I'd do lots and then suddenly stop. Several times I got rid of all my equipment of pencils, paints and brushes and sometimes I saved them again before they were given away. I didn't keep anything of what I drew, or created for that matter. This drawing is one of the few kept because it's part of my personal history in a way. When I was in uni feeling miserable, not wanting to become a doctor but not knowing it yet, I went to see an amazing psychotherapist.

She had as her speciality a kind of visualisation technique where I would lie down on her couch (only then - the armchairs is where we spent most of the time!) and she would guide me to relax and then give me a scenario. This time it was to picture a person, an inner best friend and ally that is only there for you and who you can tell anything. I pictured her. She can do all sorts of things (as you can see :) ), symbolising things I didn't feel I could do, stuck and trapped as I felt then. She's happy too, and open. I still talk to her quite often, she didn't really leave me since then.

That's what I loved about this therapy and this woman, it and she helped me find friends and strengths inside that I didn't know I had. She did it in a way that I felt was respectful, supportive, nurturing, honest and open. She was really there for me and that was what mattered most to me, not the talking or the going over of this and that. She was a surrogate mother, father, true friend and helper and she didn't judge me or what I said. Not to say she didn't raise a few eyebrows and interject a few 'really - are you sure about that?'s, but she didn't judge it, just pointed it out.

Anyway, I'm thinking of showing a few more of my pictures from that time because I'd like to go over them again to remember some more old friends and experiences. You're most welcome to view and read about them and I hope you don't mind me bringing up some personal things. Sometime I'll show you what I'm drawing for the moment too. Oh, I forgot to say - she, my inner friend, asked to be drawn on an envelope, I don't know why or how that came into my head, but that's what she said. I think it had something to do with movement, like an envelope isn't created to lie around and be pretty, it's useful and independent in a way. I drew her while on a train journey too - so movement indeed!

I'm going away for a while now, on some other train journeys, first to college and then to Paris to see my parents and younger brother who are there on holiday. I'll be back on Wednesday and oh I hope I can find some quirky or sweet French things to take pictures of and show you. Well, one is a given I suppose, but I don't know if it's worth it. I mean I won't even see the thing for what it is, I've seen it so many times before and there can't be that many new angles to capture a tower from, can there? I will enjoy myself in any case and boy do I need the change of scenery. Take care of yourselves until then. Have a lovely weekend!