thank you for everything

Hello! :) How did that go then? I hope your days were bright and happy or if not, then supported and surrounded by loved ones. In Sweden we celebrate on Christmas Eve and I wanted to send you all a Christmas greeting then, but hey - it whizzed by.

Yesterday afternoon we had the extended family from my dad's side over for Christmas Day dinner and I decided to use the little time I had in the morning to visit all you wonderful people I haven't left comments for in too long instead of writing myself. I thoroughly enjoyed that! I got to go around and get glimpses into the lives of lovely people I have come to cherish. I had to continue today and I'm hoping now I haven't forgotten anyone. If I did then I thank you here, for being such beautiful, inspiring and caring friends.

It means a lot to me to be able to call you friends, you know. I don't know why, but I've never had much confidence with friends. Maybe some of you recognise that - you read a blog and you feel that the person is writing and addressing everybody else but not you. Surely they don't mean me too? It was one of my reasons for starting a blog to explore this, to push my limits. It took me ages to even tell people I had a blog. I didn't feel I could ask anyone to come visit when I had 'nothing' on it. Then I didn't comment for months and months as I felt too shy and unworthy. Surely nobody would want my words, butting in?

It might not come across in anything I write or in comments I make but I'm terrified. I try really hard and often I think I try too hard. I want to give so much, but I'm so scared that I'll not write enough, not choose the right words or be interesting or authentic enough, that people will think I'm some needy nutcase that is not at all like anyone else. Perhaps I am. But I don't mean to be, I just want to convey how I feel. And I feel what I say and I mean it. The confident front that goes with it is only to cover up how insecure I feel.

As for the other way around it's been harder than I can say to receive the love you've sent my way. I've struggled to come to a point where I can even entertain the idea that you are all being serious and are not just feeling sorry for me. I've not written anything as personal as this yet, because I don't want to be in that position. I didn't intend to write it today either but it's been at the back of my mind lately. I've always talked about my feelings to people close to me in my life (though I've not been very close to expressing my actual feelings ever) and I hope I will be able to do that here too, but I need courage for that. Enough trust in myself that I can take it if I get responses that hurt. That's why I've been so impressed with you guys, you share your lives in both the lows and the highs. You are brave and you truly inspire me.

I'll be leaving on our yearly ski trip to the north of Sweden tomorrow morning so I won't be posting anything from there, but I've put up a few posts to appear now and then for you. I have a few photos of Stockholm and our neighbourhood here, by the Baltic Sea.

Wishing you all some peaceful days and time to let the moments and events of the year to come to you - to be cherished, forgiven or just smiled at. :) Thank you for everything.

Leaving you with this photo of my youngest brother. :) And a hug for each and every one of you - yes that means YOU! xoxo

I will be back on the 3rd of January and I hope you enjoy my auto-published posts until then. :)

Comments

Your words and photos are amazing! Hope you had wonderful holidays so far,
You are being true to your feelings and you've expressed them so well. It definetely takes a lot of courage to open up and I admire that.
Enjoy!

[kristen]

Thank you for writing this from the sincerest part of my heart. I feel so much of what you write here and I haven't the courage to post it.
Safe travels North, I hope you have a fabulous time skiing and I'm grateful to have 'met' you and call you my friend. xoxo

[Marilyn]

Just catching up on your December Views. There are so many wonderful bloggers who signed on later in the month and I fell a bit behind! Nice to 'meet' you...and, yes, the blogosphere is a magical place. Enjoy your time in Sweden. I look forward to reading more in the new year...

[chocolate covered musings]

oh my goodness, you could be writing about me! in fact, a lot of what you write is exactly how i feel at times (is my stuff uninteresting, too deep, too shallow, too much about me and not enough about you, not engaging etc. etc.)

thanks for sharing so much of yourself here, i really am so happy to have met you via DV and look forward to visiting your blog again next year.

i hope you have had a great time skiing (as you will no doubt be back by the time you read this). perhaps if you have some spare time next time you visit London we could meet?

hugs and love,

[PixieDust]

Beautiful, beautiful, you... these words are magical and touching... the most wonderful of gifts! To be given a glimpse of what lies in your heart, to be called your friend makes my soul light up.

The step you just took here is huge, it was for me also, and I LOVE that we are doing this together.

The love I send your way is real and true because you inspire this. Your images, your words, and YOU yourself inspire us to open our hearts.

Cheers to your festive Christmas, to your trip, and (((HUGS))) and so much love to you always.

I cannot wait for your return so that I may get to know you all the better - what an honor...

:-)

Love,
Me

[joan]

Dear beautiful Caroline,

i've thought of you these past few days as you've been home surrounded by your loving family :)
please know everything you wrote, everything you feel... we all feel it, we do.
This opening yourself wide to an unseen world is indeed a scary thing... but look at the love and the connections and the acceptance that awaits us all!

It truly is one of the most marvelous things to ever happen to me, and each day I try to 'lurk' a little less, and 'open' a little more.
we are all in together, and I for one am so very thankful to have met you and the contents of your pocket.

You are loved and so deeply admired here where it is safe and warm.

Happy new year to you... cannot wait to see you when you return!!

xoxoxo joan

[Angie]

I feel the same way too. I used to be somewhat embarrassed of my blog and didn't feel confident to comment on the more popular blogs out there. I've finally gotten over it, but I still question why people choose to visit my blog and am amazed at the sweet comments people leave- especially by you :-) Look at all the lovely comments you've been getting, all the support out here for you- you deserve it!
Hope you enjoy your ski trip :-)

[maddie]

Caroline I cherish your presence in my life ~
I just cannot wait to meet you ~
I love your writing and observations ~ your
way of seeing beauty around you and your
lovely heart:)

I love that photo of your brother by the tree ~
the house looks sooo pretty!

enjoy your ski trip and bring us back some
more photos!

(hugs)

[daisies]

honey,

i can so relate to this post ... even though i've been blogging for over four years, i only started coming out of my shell last year, i was terrified the first time i commented on someone else's site, like i was interrupting a conversation that had started long before i entered the room ...

even now, my heart sometimes beats loud as i hit post and run away before i change my mind

... but then i get to meet all the beautiful people with hearts brave and full and that makes me joyous ~ i am so happy to have 'met' you here and i so look forward to getting to know you more : )

i heart your beautiful photos and your lovely words ~ enjoy your ski trip ... smooches!! xoxoxox

[Thea]

This post was so tender. I am thrilled that you expressed yourself.

I understand the feelings you describe-I have felt them in bursts. This post made me think about how I have delt with these feelings. I read and comment from my heart at the moment. I blog to get things out that I worried/worry would bore someone. It leaves me with the rationale that people can not read if they choose. I comment also from my heart. If I connect to someone and their words I comment from my heart and hope that they can feel that. I realize that sometimes my comment is out of context or may seem out of left field but it really is just my way of nodding at each delicate heart that has decided to be open and share a piece of themselves. So far I have been super lucky and in the past 2 years of blogging had only positive come from this approach.

You are in a community that is full of love and light and caring support. I look forward to more of you:)
XO

[lanea]

I have similar worries and paranoia about posting and reaching out on line. Just know that your photos are wonderful, and your blog is a joy to lots of people. Happy New Year.