My Pocket

Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part 2

~ Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part 2 ~

What are the things you are wanting to manifest that are almost too scary to even write down? The ones that elicit a gremlin response of "You can't have that!" or "Who are you to ask for that?" or "Fat chance. That will never happen. You're not a good enough....(fill in the blank)"

Are you nervous? You should be. This list should be a bit dangerous. It should make you feel a little shy and excited. Butterflies abound.

How are your butterflies? I am keeping one or two of mine hidden away to do their delightful little dance - one's got to have some wonderful secrets to oneself right? Just between me and the universe. Have you got your secret wishes and impossible dreams nearby? I'm doing the quick and dirty version like Andrea, but I want to have some detail and juiciness in them, to give them magic. Here are some of mine:

~ Finding kindred spirits in the new place we are moving to sometime this year. People who make me laugh, who are strange and wonderful, inspiring and up to mischief. Folk who like simple pleasures like me (anyone up for some pine cone collecting?), having dinners on the floor, coming up with outrageous games on long walks, finding more colour and poetry and magic in life, daring me to come out of my shell and trusting me with what's on their minds.

~ Getting a new job in the new place that makes me wake up happy and excited. Oh, here's where my gremlins come in... I'm surprised they didn't poke their heads out in the point above, I think you guys have given me some courage in the friends section :). Right, I would like... a part-time job that gives me energy just to think about it, where the hours fly, I have co-workers who make me laugh, I do something that suits me so well I don't think about it as work, in a place that I find safe and inspiring, close to where we live and with hours that make me feel like I have so much time in my day. Well, we're supposed to dream big aren't we? Oh, and I'd like it to be well-paid please. Because I am trying to believe that I deserve it.

~ Finding a place to live that we love when we move. Can you tell moving is on my mind? :) A pretty, old fashioned house or flat with a lush garden, light spacious rooms, a kitchen I feel happy in, a bathroom with a window and everywhere quaint details, white walls, wooden accents and fireplaces. A rent that we'd be happy to pay, situated near to a park, the waterside and the railway station. Oh, and dogs need to be allowed.

I'm getting quite good at this dreaming now, just trying hard not to write...i.don't.deserve.any.of.this...

~ Fulfilling my long wished for dream of adopting a dog. And managing just fine, financially, work-wise and house-wise. A dog that finds me and wants to be with us, that is happy with our situation and gets on fabulously with our lifestyle. That I find a dog-sitter if I work the wrong hours and that she/he is happy to do a swap - acupuncture treatment for dog-sitting.

~ Having more income than I've dreamed of coming in from my creative output. Something that is already happening thanks to you wonderful people! I just need to keep believing that I can do it because I've got so many ideas and dreams to try out and put on offer. It's not work at all, it's joy! I want to expand it to the point that I can work from home in a little studio a day per week. This might not come true this year, but I'm allowed to dream and let the opportunities in right?

OK, now I just need the courage to press publish on this... They're my dreams, please go gently on them. Why is it that we feel so much more safe and comfortable with punishing ourselves and giving ourselves the very minimum, not allowing dreams and fantasies to become reality? Lately so many good things have happened to me that I'm finding it hard to relax - surely something horrible must happen soon to compensate? We're rarely loved for saying what we want, are we. Never encouraged to dream big and want the rainbow. It is so much easier to sink to rock bottom, where nothing disappointing or threatening can ever happen, but nothing wonderful and surprising either.

This poem I put up in the summer last year, but I'd like to post it again, for all you lovely people who inspire me daily. Especially Joan, whose joy never ceases to amaze me. It's a translation (by me) from the Swedish poet Karin Boye's poem Hemlös (Homeless):

To lose the home that is the soul and wander far
and then be unable to reach anything else,
and find that one has forgotten all that truth is
and think that one is made of lies alone
and feel sick with oneself and hate one -
yes that is easy, yes that is quite easy.
Sorrow is easy, but joy is proud and challenging,
for joy is the simplest of all.

But the one, who seeks a home to know,
must not believe, that it is anywhere -
he must wander homeless for some time;
and one who is of lies and wishes to heal
he must hate himself until he knows
from truth, that which others are given for free.
What is it worth to grieve so for that?
Wait, my heart, and have patience!

That is what life and dreaming is about to me. It isn't easy, it takes courage and hard work, but who said it had to be miserable and yield less than absolutely wonderful? Like this quote from Liselotte's blog, she's a lovely Danish illustrator I came across today, and I hope I got the Danish right here:

Life is not easy, just fantastic

This is my photo of inspiration for this year:

Not that I am always behind him, I love being everywhere around him and on my own. On a path, winding somewhere into a wood, across a field, over a stile, into meadow and beyond, somewhere in the British countryside.

Wishing you impossibly wonderful, spine tinglingly exciting and unbearably delightful wishes, hopes and dreams. Love you guys.

ps. Another poem by Karin Boye if you're interested

Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part 1

I've been inspired (still in bed but not so quiet) lately by you folks doing the Mondo Beyondo ritual of letting go of the past year (originally from Andrea at Superhero Designs, last seen at Kristen's and Marilyn's) and it resonated with me. Feeling quite lost over the last couple of months and without a spark, I think this is something I need to do in order to remember and honour the things I have done and what it was like when the light wasn't dimmed.

I have a feeling I'll do this ritual again and again each year, it will be my first tradition of my own. I've never been fond of new year's celebrations. It seems a waste to spend the first shimmering day of the year sleeping and hung over, in the worst place to begin harsh resolutions, but this ritual is just what I've always had in mind to do. What would you like to honour and wave goodbye in the past year?

~ Mondo Beyondo 2008 ~

In order to declare 2007 complete:

what do you want to acknowledge yourself for in 2007?
what did you create?
what challenges did you face with courage and strength?
what promises did you keep to yourself?
what brave choices did you make?
what are you proud of?

In 2007 I recreated my blog that I had given up on in 2006, set up a habit of posting every other day and taking pictures pretty much daily, put myself out there despite my fears and inadequacies, made friends and kept them. I promised myself to write and leave it there, no taking back regardless of how unhappy I was the next day. Something that has given me thrills of joy and thrills of paranoia.

I faced the challenge of going to college pretty much every other weekend, hanging on in there despite the many times when I felt I can't do this any longer. I've nearly finished my (hard) second year and have handed in all but three of the (many) assignments, facing my greatest fear of not being good enough. Going from straight A's to weak B's and C's was something I had set myself as an essential prerequisite to doing this course with the lacking energy levels I've got to work with. Facing those demons has still got me in a dark place though.

I kept working on becoming who I want to be, daring to step off the path I knew other people preferred me to be on, choosing what I needed. Finding the clothes that make me feel happy and beautiful, wearing the jewellery I've never felt I could carry, cutting my hair off in the way I wanted it to be (my hairdresser still doesn't agree), coming to peace with my body and declaring that I will put it into shape when I feel ready to do it for me (not for the pleasure of others), returning to the magical, innocent child I have inside that wants to dream, allowing myself to fly even when I think I should sink.

I found photography and stuck with it, even though I'd never read the manual and my photos were not particularly original or daring - I just did it for a change, however it came out. It is one of few creative things I do because I love it, not because I think I should.

what is there to grieve about in 2007?
what was disappointing?
what was scary?
what was hard?
what can you forgive yourself for?

The hardest thing has been the last few months of seemingly being back in a place I thought I had covered more distance from. Of going into the thicket of my fears, not knowing if there is a way out on the other side. It is also the thing I am most proud of though, there is no other place to be but your centre and I'm once again standing in the middle of this stuffy, messy place - overwhelmed and tired already, but rolling my sleeves up.

The scariest and the thing I grieve the most is what I put my loved one through this spring though. Even though the experience is not something I regret, I wish I could take back the pain I caused him and others. I forgive myself for that, only because I don't believe in paying by punishing yourself as it ultimately sucks energy from everyone, but by giving and learning.

what else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

Even though I feel I have come a long way on my path, it still felt like 2007 was preparing me for something. It wasn't as sparkling new, adventurous and encouraging as 2006, but harder, more trying and forcing me to find strength inside. Something I have still to set free. For this I think 2007 has done its part and I try to be humble in not knowing the purpose of it all yet.

I declare 2007 complete!

the final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. what is your primary intention or theme for 2008?

* COURAGE * Oh boy (deep breath) here we go again! :o)

(part two, where are you going, coming soon)

Feeling in need of some light and colours in my life again I've put up these photos on Etsy - closing my eyes I've been conjuring the feeling of sandals on my bare feet, the warm breeze and the sunlight streaming in. Spring, I'm ready for you.