My Pocket

bright adventures

Just popping in to let you know I am still here. Thinking of you and hoping you are enjoying this favourite season of mine, the season of lush green and tingling possibility. I love how nature decorates her forest halls with fresh leaves, filling the ceilings with whispers of love for the wind, and scattering sun speckles all over the floor, spreading perfume in the breeze from lilacs, bluebells and cowslip, lavishing warmth and early morning birdsong.

I think I will take that break after all. I think it will do me good to have one less thing to feel guilty about in my life for the moment. This place was never intended for that. Oh, I'm sure I will be back, no doubt about it. But for now I'm allowing myself a rest and learning how to be the most that I can be, without becoming overwhelmed.

I leave you with a Swedish hymn that is a favourite of mine and that my grandmother also loved so it is special to me in many ways. Forgive my translation that does it no justice and the fact that I can't play it here, but know that I am singing it for you, on a path not so far away. Wishing you bright adventures on your journey.

Now, the valley’s bosom is green
Now, fragrant meadows and knolls
Come, come with us a-wandering
In joyous spring time

Each day like a golden bowl
Brimming with wine
So drink my friend, drink sun and scent
For the day it is yours

Far away from the grey of town
Happily we steer our way
Following the white ribbon of road
Towards bright adventures

With open eyes let us see
The riches that is life
That grows and simmers everywhere
Where spring goes to bloom

the meme

for you!

Thank you so much for your encouraging and supportive comments on my writing post, I'm really touched. You are such special people all of you and I am drawn in by your writing and beautiful blogs too.

I haven't many words for the moment, but please know that I am there smiling silently at what you write. I get so overwhelmed regularly, can't seem to give much. I feel rotten about that, but I'm learning. My life is gradually getting more consistent and less of a rollercoaster but I still get these extreme times where I feel I have nothing to say. I don't want to apologise for it anymore, I'd rather stand up for who I am and what I choose to do, but I want you to know that I think of you my writing kindred spirits. You're strong and lovely and beautiful and don't you forget it.

As for my own writing I leave you with some old words of mine in Kristen's meme, where you choose favourite posts with the themes below:

One about family

One about friends

One about you

One about something you love (Rumi!)

One that is your choice

I tag: Pixie Dust, Joan, Megg, Susanna and Rachel

Wishing you blackbirds singing, blushing skies, soft winds and that smell of spring coming. Love to you.

on flying

These last three weeks have been some of the heaviest in a long time. I haven't liked myself, crawling through life. Taking on frustration, anger, hurt, sadness, blame, guilt, fatigue, confusion, desperation, shame, resignation and apathy. All wearily added to the heavy load, all pushed down, all blending into the same expression - depression. I wish I was different, that I didn't always react by slipping down the heavy and resigned slope, but I do.

Just before the last exams this past weekend I had acupuncture treatment which felt like a blessing, a light briefly lighting up the last of the path for me. I've finished the second year (fingers crossed no re-sits) and the practical exams went well. I am so tired and closed, but I feel life is shining outside, just waiting for me to wake up and open the window. Things are falling into place silently inside of me, a dreamy state in between.

But really I wish I could emerge from those drenching waters and vigorously shake the drops off like a dog - RAH! Kick a hind paw free of the last of it and trot off along the beach. Not drag it rattling behind me. It does feel like that is the direction though, that's what I need to learn. To turn around and face it, not run. Running makes me so tired, but I've justified it for a long time. Hmm...

Birds have been my source of inspiration lately. There's a quote by G. K. Chesterton: 'Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.' Indeed. Not that I'm even close to being an angel, but interesting isn't it? It's me, my self image and messy past trailing behind me, keeping me tied to the ground. I wonder where I'd like to fly if I could go or do anything? What would you do?

my bird friend. isn't she pretty?

just being

Oh, I am nowhere near words these last few days... My apologies to the lovely posts you have written - I will come soon! This weekend was in need of being with the heart rather than the head, so I've been...

...soothing myself with cutting out images that help me dream,

clearing out and rearranging my room to calm the disorder in my head,

taking some photos of the birthday present my younger brother sewed for me so I can send him a thank you,

staring out the window at the robins and the neighbour's puppy and the breeze,

and just being.

I'll be back soon. Much love 'til then - xoxo

ps. Those strange body parts I have pictures of on my wall are for all the acupuncture points I have to learn. You'll find me staring at them while I brush my teeth.

be-me-day

Somebody learnt that my birthday is today and gave me the best birthday present ever this weekend - a day on the beach, with picnic and sunshine. Bright balloons (with stars on them!), presents and so much more. I loved it Linni - thank you :) Today can hardly be more of a be-me-day than that.

Linni's photo of me

This is the beginning of my last year in the twenties. A year I want to spend gathering up all that has happened during my second phase of life. The decade I've travelled the world, the outer and the one in me, made a best friend and lover, moved out from my family, come home to where I belong in a new country, learnt at university, in work-with-your-hands jobs, at college, found acupuncture and the work I feel drawn to do, been figuring out who I am and what I look like, what it's like to be in the world.

I want to gather it near, spread it out before me, hug it, laugh with it, talk to it, ask it, cry with it, sort it, pick out the meaningful, brush it off, try to lovingly let go of the heavy. Take back the parts I want to carry with me, place them carefully in my rucksack, wave goodbye to the ones left on the ground and then stride off for new adventures with a lighter mind.

This week I might or I might not disappear a little bit, because I have exams on Saturday. If I do, I wish you a sunlit week with promises of green, dreams of colourful gardens, carefree laughter and the energy that comes with the light. Much love to you all.

The ocean calls me. I forget how much it feels like home until I'm there with it again. I loved seeing all the lives being woven together there, spending time with that great expanse and each other.

the little girl that is me

self portrait challenge : blue

Hello you (yes you!) :) How's it going? I feel like I've not really been present here lately, though I have of course. When things get stirred up and haven't yet settled in my mind and heart I normally retreat from the world but I've been challenging myself recently. So in a way, I've been here but not completely. I've been living stuff that didn't have words so I wrote about the things that did.

Before Christmas I had two extraordinary acupuncture treatments that turned me upside down like one of those snow globes, and for a while I couldn't see and I was so afraid, and it felt like I had finally broken down. The thing is, I've for as long as I can remember wanted to break down. I was one of those kids who grow up a bit too fast I think, take on too much too soon. My parents loved me, I was the apple of my mum's eye, her quiet little helper. And I was ever so happy to do it, I took care of my younger brother when the second brother took all my mum's time, helped in any way I could. Including becoming invisible.

I can't remember crying, running to my parents with feelings too big to handle, complaining about being abandoned at daycare though I hated it or allowing myself to be weak or small. My favourite response to most things was and still is: I know. I've got it under control, leave me alone, I can do this! Inside I was getting tired though. I had no stable ground in me, no safe place to run back to when the world was overwhelming, which was most of time. Terrified of being alone with the fear, terrified of surrendering to someone else. I had never learnt how to be a 'mum' to myself, only to other people. Soldiering on stubbornly, angrily realising that I had missed out on something and I couldn't really blame anyone. Circumstances came about as they do and I chose to do what I did.

I wanted to break down, be helpless, for someone to scoop me up - you've done enough. But I couldn't. In the meantime I refused to give myself what I needed, slipping down the martyr route, waiting for life to become fair. The anger was so strong, holding me together, refusing to abandon that little girl who couldn't cry. My life couldn't be reconciled, torn in two.

The treatment I had is used for letting go, letting go of whatever it is that possesses you, devours you. I had come to a place where I was ready to let go, but I couldn't. I still don't know if I've completely let go, but I do know that there is a voice in my head that wasn't there before. When I throw my hands up in the air and want to crawl back to the only safe places I know, the places that ultimately hurt and steal your time, she comforts me. I broke down, on the inside, in the quietest little heap, but I broke down enough for that little girl to feel supported. She can deal with all the little things that used to be overwhelming now. And when we can't deal with it, we take it one small step at a time. There's a hand to hold and a voice to say, it's ok, honey. you're doing fine.

Be helpless, dumbfounded
Unable to say yes or no.
Then a stretcher will come from grace
to gather us up.

We are too dull-eyed to see that beauty.
If we say we can, we're lying.
If we say No, we don't see it,
that No will behead us
And shut tight our window onto spirit.

So let us rather not be sure of anything,
Beside ourselves, and only that, so
Miraculous beings come running to help.
Crazed, lying in a zero circle, mute,
We shall be saying finally,
With tremendous eloquence, Lead us.
When we have totally surrendered to that beauty,
We shall be a mighty kindness.

Zero Circle, Rumi

I'm so glad you liked my doors. It was part of my therapy to draw the imagery I had been asked to create in our session as homework, so this drawing is from then. That's what came up when I was asked to see three doors so they are part of my reality, not part of the exercise. I didn't make that clear, so really, your doors might not look anything like it! For me of course I was drawn to the little blue one on the left, I thought this is my future. And it was.

The beauty of that therapy was that it lasts though, and those doors keep taking on different meanings. I still don't know what it all meant. I love the rainforest and for a long time abhorred the dead parking lot and meaningless crowd in the kitchen. But maybe those doors were just as important? Maybe I just needed to make them mine? I wanted to take down that wooden door heavy with obligation, respectability and rules and make that empty space a peaceful haven to retreat into. A safe place with only myself, the silence and possibility to cradle me.

The kitchen had always both terrified me and enthralled me - I couldn't stand being with people and I couldn't stand not being with them. That place is still hectic and a scary place, but it's far more colourful and that shabby white door is really quite beautiful now. I've realised I'm welcome there as far as everybody else is concerned but the panic lies in me, I can only stay for as long as that little girl is comfortable. And that's ok. :)

Thank you for understanding and sharing your stories. It makes me so grateful to know you are out there, wonderful people creating your lives, making them yours. Wishing you clarity and colourful paths.

from the roots

Words are not there for the moment. Nothing I could say is quite right. Usually I dive right in anyway, the beauty of life and being me is that I'm not perfect in the way I want to be, I just am. Tonight however, what I want to tell you is how it feels and words can't seem to give you that. The tree does it far better. Wishing you roots that plunge deeply and fearlessly, bringing you the cool waters of the earth. Startling views from the highest branches and the quivering, tingling of new shoots. The support of a peaceful core. Tomorrow might be stormy again, but today, today is a day in the woods.

the little tree shrine with the fairy blessings

Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part 2

~ Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part 2 ~

What are the things you are wanting to manifest that are almost too scary to even write down? The ones that elicit a gremlin response of "You can't have that!" or "Who are you to ask for that?" or "Fat chance. That will never happen. You're not a good enough....(fill in the blank)"

Are you nervous? You should be. This list should be a bit dangerous. It should make you feel a little shy and excited. Butterflies abound.

How are your butterflies? I am keeping one or two of mine hidden away to do their delightful little dance - one's got to have some wonderful secrets to oneself right? Just between me and the universe. Have you got your secret wishes and impossible dreams nearby? I'm doing the quick and dirty version like Andrea, but I want to have some detail and juiciness in them, to give them magic. Here are some of mine:

~ Finding kindred spirits in the new place we are moving to sometime this year. People who make me laugh, who are strange and wonderful, inspiring and up to mischief. Folk who like simple pleasures like me (anyone up for some pine cone collecting?), having dinners on the floor, coming up with outrageous games on long walks, finding more colour and poetry and magic in life, daring me to come out of my shell and trusting me with what's on their minds.

~ Getting a new job in the new place that makes me wake up happy and excited. Oh, here's where my gremlins come in... I'm surprised they didn't poke their heads out in the point above, I think you guys have given me some courage in the friends section :). Right, I would like... a part-time job that gives me energy just to think about it, where the hours fly, I have co-workers who make me laugh, I do something that suits me so well I don't think about it as work, in a place that I find safe and inspiring, close to where we live and with hours that make me feel like I have so much time in my day. Well, we're supposed to dream big aren't we? Oh, and I'd like it to be well-paid please. Because I am trying to believe that I deserve it.

~ Finding a place to live that we love when we move. Can you tell moving is on my mind? :) A pretty, old fashioned house or flat with a lush garden, light spacious rooms, a kitchen I feel happy in, a bathroom with a window and everywhere quaint details, white walls, wooden accents and fireplaces. A rent that we'd be happy to pay, situated near to a park, the waterside and the railway station. Oh, and dogs need to be allowed.

I'm getting quite good at this dreaming now, just trying hard not to write...i.don't.deserve.any.of.this...

~ Fulfilling my long wished for dream of adopting a dog. And managing just fine, financially, work-wise and house-wise. A dog that finds me and wants to be with us, that is happy with our situation and gets on fabulously with our lifestyle. That I find a dog-sitter if I work the wrong hours and that she/he is happy to do a swap - acupuncture treatment for dog-sitting.

~ Having more income than I've dreamed of coming in from my creative output. Something that is already happening thanks to you wonderful people! I just need to keep believing that I can do it because I've got so many ideas and dreams to try out and put on offer. It's not work at all, it's joy! I want to expand it to the point that I can work from home in a little studio a day per week. This might not come true this year, but I'm allowed to dream and let the opportunities in right?

OK, now I just need the courage to press publish on this... They're my dreams, please go gently on them. Why is it that we feel so much more safe and comfortable with punishing ourselves and giving ourselves the very minimum, not allowing dreams and fantasies to become reality? Lately so many good things have happened to me that I'm finding it hard to relax - surely something horrible must happen soon to compensate? We're rarely loved for saying what we want, are we. Never encouraged to dream big and want the rainbow. It is so much easier to sink to rock bottom, where nothing disappointing or threatening can ever happen, but nothing wonderful and surprising either.

This poem I put up in the summer last year, but I'd like to post it again, for all you lovely people who inspire me daily. Especially Joan, whose joy never ceases to amaze me. It's a translation (by me) from the Swedish poet Karin Boye's poem Hemlös (Homeless):

To lose the home that is the soul and wander far
and then be unable to reach anything else,
and find that one has forgotten all that truth is
and think that one is made of lies alone
and feel sick with oneself and hate one -
yes that is easy, yes that is quite easy.
Sorrow is easy, but joy is proud and challenging,
for joy is the simplest of all.

But the one, who seeks a home to know,
must not believe, that it is anywhere -
he must wander homeless for some time;
and one who is of lies and wishes to heal
he must hate himself until he knows
from truth, that which others are given for free.
What is it worth to grieve so for that?
Wait, my heart, and have patience!

That is what life and dreaming is about to me. It isn't easy, it takes courage and hard work, but who said it had to be miserable and yield less than absolutely wonderful? Like this quote from Liselotte's blog, she's a lovely Danish illustrator I came across today, and I hope I got the Danish right here:

Life is not easy, just fantastic

This is my photo of inspiration for this year:

Not that I am always behind him, I love being everywhere around him and on my own. On a path, winding somewhere into a wood, across a field, over a stile, into meadow and beyond, somewhere in the British countryside.

Wishing you impossibly wonderful, spine tinglingly exciting and unbearably delightful wishes, hopes and dreams. Love you guys.

ps. Another poem by Karin Boye if you're interested

Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part 1

I've been inspired (still in bed but not so quiet) lately by you folks doing the Mondo Beyondo ritual of letting go of the past year (originally from Andrea at Superhero Designs, last seen at Kristen's and Marilyn's) and it resonated with me. Feeling quite lost over the last couple of months and without a spark, I think this is something I need to do in order to remember and honour the things I have done and what it was like when the light wasn't dimmed.

I have a feeling I'll do this ritual again and again each year, it will be my first tradition of my own. I've never been fond of new year's celebrations. It seems a waste to spend the first shimmering day of the year sleeping and hung over, in the worst place to begin harsh resolutions, but this ritual is just what I've always had in mind to do. What would you like to honour and wave goodbye in the past year?

~ Mondo Beyondo 2008 ~

In order to declare 2007 complete:

what do you want to acknowledge yourself for in 2007?
what did you create?
what challenges did you face with courage and strength?
what promises did you keep to yourself?
what brave choices did you make?
what are you proud of?

In 2007 I recreated my blog that I had given up on in 2006, set up a habit of posting every other day and taking pictures pretty much daily, put myself out there despite my fears and inadequacies, made friends and kept them. I promised myself to write and leave it there, no taking back regardless of how unhappy I was the next day. Something that has given me thrills of joy and thrills of paranoia.

I faced the challenge of going to college pretty much every other weekend, hanging on in there despite the many times when I felt I can't do this any longer. I've nearly finished my (hard) second year and have handed in all but three of the (many) assignments, facing my greatest fear of not being good enough. Going from straight A's to weak B's and C's was something I had set myself as an essential prerequisite to doing this course with the lacking energy levels I've got to work with. Facing those demons has still got me in a dark place though.

I kept working on becoming who I want to be, daring to step off the path I knew other people preferred me to be on, choosing what I needed. Finding the clothes that make me feel happy and beautiful, wearing the jewellery I've never felt I could carry, cutting my hair off in the way I wanted it to be (my hairdresser still doesn't agree), coming to peace with my body and declaring that I will put it into shape when I feel ready to do it for me (not for the pleasure of others), returning to the magical, innocent child I have inside that wants to dream, allowing myself to fly even when I think I should sink.

I found photography and stuck with it, even though I'd never read the manual and my photos were not particularly original or daring - I just did it for a change, however it came out. It is one of few creative things I do because I love it, not because I think I should.

what is there to grieve about in 2007?
what was disappointing?
what was scary?
what was hard?
what can you forgive yourself for?

The hardest thing has been the last few months of seemingly being back in a place I thought I had covered more distance from. Of going into the thicket of my fears, not knowing if there is a way out on the other side. It is also the thing I am most proud of though, there is no other place to be but your centre and I'm once again standing in the middle of this stuffy, messy place - overwhelmed and tired already, but rolling my sleeves up.

The scariest and the thing I grieve the most is what I put my loved one through this spring though. Even though the experience is not something I regret, I wish I could take back the pain I caused him and others. I forgive myself for that, only because I don't believe in paying by punishing yourself as it ultimately sucks energy from everyone, but by giving and learning.

what else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

Even though I feel I have come a long way on my path, it still felt like 2007 was preparing me for something. It wasn't as sparkling new, adventurous and encouraging as 2006, but harder, more trying and forcing me to find strength inside. Something I have still to set free. For this I think 2007 has done its part and I try to be humble in not knowing the purpose of it all yet.

I declare 2007 complete!

the final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. what is your primary intention or theme for 2008?

* COURAGE * Oh boy (deep breath) here we go again! :o)

(part two, where are you going, coming soon)

Feeling in need of some light and colours in my life again I've put up these photos on Etsy - closing my eyes I've been conjuring the feeling of sandals on my bare feet, the warm breeze and the sunlight streaming in. Spring, I'm ready for you.

time to breathe

Hello sweet people :)

So happy to be back and reading what you've been up to, something I will keep doing over the next days. D has gone on the yearly Brockwood Park staff hiking trip in the Lake District so I'm alone for the week. We only came back late late last night and I'm still processing the family holiday in my head and resting. Thank you all so much for the touching comments you made on my last post before I left - it made my eyes tear up and my heart goes out to you, thank you for letting me into your arms.

I'm in bed right now with a cold, having blueberries and playing with my christmas present, can you see it? The old chest of drawers is next to my side of the bed and I've wanted to take pictures of things in one of those worn drawers for a long time. As for the new camera it's an adventure just figuring out the basics. This is going to take me a while but once I get the hang of it, oh boy! I will post the skiing photos soon (taken with the old camera, it could take my one crash and burn) but first just wanted to say hello. I've been quiet this holiday and think I might be for a bit longer, feeling pensive and on the brink of something. The greatest things seem to happen after the hardest times for me, we'll see. Thanking you for being around though, you inspire me more than I can say and I am so grateful to be going into this shiny new year with you. Bless. Leaving you with a quote - time to breathe:

It's time to breathe
Time to believe
Let it go and run
towards the sea
They don't teach that
they don't know what you mean
They don't understand
they don't know what you mean
They don't get it
I wanna scream
I wanna breathe again
I wanna dream

Q-Tip in R.E.M's Outsiders