Hello! :) How did that go then? I hope your days were bright and happy or if not, then supported and surrounded by loved ones. In Sweden we celebrate on Christmas Eve and I wanted to send you all a Christmas greeting then, but hey - it whizzed by.
Yesterday afternoon we had the extended family from my dad's side over for Christmas Day dinner and I decided to use the little time I had in the morning to visit all you wonderful people I haven't left comments for in too long instead of writing myself. I thoroughly enjoyed that! I got to go around and get glimpses into the lives of lovely people I have come to cherish. I had to continue today and I'm hoping now I haven't forgotten anyone. If I did then I thank you here, for being such beautiful, inspiring and caring friends.
It means a lot to me to be able to call you friends, you know. I don't know why, but I've never had much confidence with friends. Maybe some of you recognise that - you read a blog and you feel that the person is writing and addressing everybody else but not you. Surely they don't mean me too? It was one of my reasons for starting a blog to explore this, to push my limits. It took me ages to even tell people I had a blog. I didn't feel I could ask anyone to come visit when I had 'nothing' on it. Then I didn't comment for months and months as I felt too shy and unworthy. Surely nobody would want my words, butting in?
It might not come across in anything I write or in comments I make but I'm terrified. I try really hard and often I think I try too hard. I want to give so much, but I'm so scared that I'll not write enough, not choose the right words or be interesting or authentic enough, that people will think I'm some needy nutcase that is not at all like anyone else. Perhaps I am. But I don't mean to be, I just want to convey how I feel. And I feel what I say and I mean it. The confident front that goes with it is only to cover up how insecure I feel.
As for the other way around it's been harder than I can say to receive the love you've sent my way. I've struggled to come to a point where I can even entertain the idea that you are all being serious and are not just feeling sorry for me. I've not written anything as personal as this yet, because I don't want to be in that position. I didn't intend to write it today either but it's been at the back of my mind lately. I've always talked about my feelings to people close to me in my life (though I've not been very close to expressing my actual feelings ever) and I hope I will be able to do that here too, but I need courage for that. Enough trust in myself that I can take it if I get responses that hurt. That's why I've been so impressed with you guys, you share your lives in both the lows and the highs. You are brave and you truly inspire me.
I'll be leaving on our yearly ski trip to the north of Sweden tomorrow morning so I won't be posting anything from there, but I've put up a few posts to appear now and then for you. I have a few photos of Stockholm and our neighbourhood here, by the Baltic Sea.
Wishing you all some peaceful days and time to let the moments and events of the year to come to you - to be cherished, forgiven or just smiled at. :) Thank you for everything.
Leaving you with this photo of my youngest brother. :) And a hug for each and every one of you - yes that means YOU! xoxo
I will be back on the 3rd of January and I hope you enjoy my auto-published posts until then. :)