My Pocket

Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part 2

~ Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part 2 ~

What are the things you are wanting to manifest that are almost too scary to even write down? The ones that elicit a gremlin response of "You can't have that!" or "Who are you to ask for that?" or "Fat chance. That will never happen. You're not a good enough....(fill in the blank)"

Are you nervous? You should be. This list should be a bit dangerous. It should make you feel a little shy and excited. Butterflies abound.

How are your butterflies? I am keeping one or two of mine hidden away to do their delightful little dance - one's got to have some wonderful secrets to oneself right? Just between me and the universe. Have you got your secret wishes and impossible dreams nearby? I'm doing the quick and dirty version like Andrea, but I want to have some detail and juiciness in them, to give them magic. Here are some of mine:

~ Finding kindred spirits in the new place we are moving to sometime this year. People who make me laugh, who are strange and wonderful, inspiring and up to mischief. Folk who like simple pleasures like me (anyone up for some pine cone collecting?), having dinners on the floor, coming up with outrageous games on long walks, finding more colour and poetry and magic in life, daring me to come out of my shell and trusting me with what's on their minds.

~ Getting a new job in the new place that makes me wake up happy and excited. Oh, here's where my gremlins come in... I'm surprised they didn't poke their heads out in the point above, I think you guys have given me some courage in the friends section :). Right, I would like... a part-time job that gives me energy just to think about it, where the hours fly, I have co-workers who make me laugh, I do something that suits me so well I don't think about it as work, in a place that I find safe and inspiring, close to where we live and with hours that make me feel like I have so much time in my day. Well, we're supposed to dream big aren't we? Oh, and I'd like it to be well-paid please. Because I am trying to believe that I deserve it.

~ Finding a place to live that we love when we move. Can you tell moving is on my mind? :) A pretty, old fashioned house or flat with a lush garden, light spacious rooms, a kitchen I feel happy in, a bathroom with a window and everywhere quaint details, white walls, wooden accents and fireplaces. A rent that we'd be happy to pay, situated near to a park, the waterside and the railway station. Oh, and dogs need to be allowed.

I'm getting quite good at this dreaming now, just trying hard not to write...i.don't.deserve.any.of.this...

~ Fulfilling my long wished for dream of adopting a dog. And managing just fine, financially, work-wise and house-wise. A dog that finds me and wants to be with us, that is happy with our situation and gets on fabulously with our lifestyle. That I find a dog-sitter if I work the wrong hours and that she/he is happy to do a swap - acupuncture treatment for dog-sitting.

~ Having more income than I've dreamed of coming in from my creative output. Something that is already happening thanks to you wonderful people! I just need to keep believing that I can do it because I've got so many ideas and dreams to try out and put on offer. It's not work at all, it's joy! I want to expand it to the point that I can work from home in a little studio a day per week. This might not come true this year, but I'm allowed to dream and let the opportunities in right?

OK, now I just need the courage to press publish on this... They're my dreams, please go gently on them. Why is it that we feel so much more safe and comfortable with punishing ourselves and giving ourselves the very minimum, not allowing dreams and fantasies to become reality? Lately so many good things have happened to me that I'm finding it hard to relax - surely something horrible must happen soon to compensate? We're rarely loved for saying what we want, are we. Never encouraged to dream big and want the rainbow. It is so much easier to sink to rock bottom, where nothing disappointing or threatening can ever happen, but nothing wonderful and surprising either.

This poem I put up in the summer last year, but I'd like to post it again, for all you lovely people who inspire me daily. Especially Joan, whose joy never ceases to amaze me. It's a translation (by me) from the Swedish poet Karin Boye's poem Hemlös (Homeless):

To lose the home that is the soul and wander far
and then be unable to reach anything else,
and find that one has forgotten all that truth is
and think that one is made of lies alone
and feel sick with oneself and hate one -
yes that is easy, yes that is quite easy.
Sorrow is easy, but joy is proud and challenging,
for joy is the simplest of all.

But the one, who seeks a home to know,
must not believe, that it is anywhere -
he must wander homeless for some time;
and one who is of lies and wishes to heal
he must hate himself until he knows
from truth, that which others are given for free.
What is it worth to grieve so for that?
Wait, my heart, and have patience!

That is what life and dreaming is about to me. It isn't easy, it takes courage and hard work, but who said it had to be miserable and yield less than absolutely wonderful? Like this quote from Liselotte's blog, she's a lovely Danish illustrator I came across today, and I hope I got the Danish right here:

Life is not easy, just fantastic

This is my photo of inspiration for this year:

Not that I am always behind him, I love being everywhere around him and on my own. On a path, winding somewhere into a wood, across a field, over a stile, into meadow and beyond, somewhere in the British countryside.

Wishing you impossibly wonderful, spine tinglingly exciting and unbearably delightful wishes, hopes and dreams. Love you guys.

ps. Another poem by Karin Boye if you're interested

sit down next to me

My favourite walk under the tree ceilings, taken last year - I long for the leaves and the breeze

Five really good things today, as Liz would say:

~ The cluster of snowdrops I saw curtseying in the wind by a little village church - the first spring flowers, be still my heart!

~ Wearing my black felted bucket hat pulled down over my eyes, peeking out at the sunlight and birds

~ Buying more colourful tissue paper for wrapping prints in, delighting in the inexpensive joy of making things pretty

~ Going to the post office and being like you guys in the outside world (here we get our post sent out so never any need to visit a post office in town. Unless I want to get something out real quick to someone special :o) )

~ Slowly coming to life being fed soul food on the bus, drinking up the lyrics and drums of this one:

Those who feel the breath of sadness
Sit down next to me
Those who find they're touched by madness
Sit down next to me
Those who find themselves ridiculous
Sit down next to me

In love, in fear, in hate, in tears
Sit down next to me

Sit Down, James

I love that line: those who find themselves ridiculous. It always makes me smile, and I cherish the invitation to sit down regardless of how I am. Their shows are apparently something else, and you get a glimpse of it in the video, his eyes just have a light in them and I wished he'd jump up and down on the spot the way he does in other songs I've seen. He's alive!

That's what I want for 2008, to feel alive, to have a light in my eyes. So, I've changed my keyword for this year to

* V i T a L i T y *

Courage is included in that word, for me, but vitality is juicier and gives my butterflies a whirl like nothing else. I want to follow what makes me feel alive, whether that requires courage or no courage at all.

What will be your word for the year? Where do you need to go?

Mondo Beyondo 2008 Part 1

I've been inspired (still in bed but not so quiet) lately by you folks doing the Mondo Beyondo ritual of letting go of the past year (originally from Andrea at Superhero Designs, last seen at Kristen's and Marilyn's) and it resonated with me. Feeling quite lost over the last couple of months and without a spark, I think this is something I need to do in order to remember and honour the things I have done and what it was like when the light wasn't dimmed.

I have a feeling I'll do this ritual again and again each year, it will be my first tradition of my own. I've never been fond of new year's celebrations. It seems a waste to spend the first shimmering day of the year sleeping and hung over, in the worst place to begin harsh resolutions, but this ritual is just what I've always had in mind to do. What would you like to honour and wave goodbye in the past year?

~ Mondo Beyondo 2008 ~

In order to declare 2007 complete:

what do you want to acknowledge yourself for in 2007?
what did you create?
what challenges did you face with courage and strength?
what promises did you keep to yourself?
what brave choices did you make?
what are you proud of?

In 2007 I recreated my blog that I had given up on in 2006, set up a habit of posting every other day and taking pictures pretty much daily, put myself out there despite my fears and inadequacies, made friends and kept them. I promised myself to write and leave it there, no taking back regardless of how unhappy I was the next day. Something that has given me thrills of joy and thrills of paranoia.

I faced the challenge of going to college pretty much every other weekend, hanging on in there despite the many times when I felt I can't do this any longer. I've nearly finished my (hard) second year and have handed in all but three of the (many) assignments, facing my greatest fear of not being good enough. Going from straight A's to weak B's and C's was something I had set myself as an essential prerequisite to doing this course with the lacking energy levels I've got to work with. Facing those demons has still got me in a dark place though.

I kept working on becoming who I want to be, daring to step off the path I knew other people preferred me to be on, choosing what I needed. Finding the clothes that make me feel happy and beautiful, wearing the jewellery I've never felt I could carry, cutting my hair off in the way I wanted it to be (my hairdresser still doesn't agree), coming to peace with my body and declaring that I will put it into shape when I feel ready to do it for me (not for the pleasure of others), returning to the magical, innocent child I have inside that wants to dream, allowing myself to fly even when I think I should sink.

I found photography and stuck with it, even though I'd never read the manual and my photos were not particularly original or daring - I just did it for a change, however it came out. It is one of few creative things I do because I love it, not because I think I should.

what is there to grieve about in 2007?
what was disappointing?
what was scary?
what was hard?
what can you forgive yourself for?

The hardest thing has been the last few months of seemingly being back in a place I thought I had covered more distance from. Of going into the thicket of my fears, not knowing if there is a way out on the other side. It is also the thing I am most proud of though, there is no other place to be but your centre and I'm once again standing in the middle of this stuffy, messy place - overwhelmed and tired already, but rolling my sleeves up.

The scariest and the thing I grieve the most is what I put my loved one through this spring though. Even though the experience is not something I regret, I wish I could take back the pain I caused him and others. I forgive myself for that, only because I don't believe in paying by punishing yourself as it ultimately sucks energy from everyone, but by giving and learning.

what else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

Even though I feel I have come a long way on my path, it still felt like 2007 was preparing me for something. It wasn't as sparkling new, adventurous and encouraging as 2006, but harder, more trying and forcing me to find strength inside. Something I have still to set free. For this I think 2007 has done its part and I try to be humble in not knowing the purpose of it all yet.

I declare 2007 complete!

the final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. what is your primary intention or theme for 2008?

* COURAGE * Oh boy (deep breath) here we go again! :o)

(part two, where are you going, coming soon)

Feeling in need of some light and colours in my life again I've put up these photos on Etsy - closing my eyes I've been conjuring the feeling of sandals on my bare feet, the warm breeze and the sunlight streaming in. Spring, I'm ready for you.

going down mountains

We were in Åre, a skiing resort in the mountains bordering to Norway, an 8 hour car ride from our home town. I've been skiing since I was 8 years old, my brothers since even younger. We all still have our falls and I had mine in the slope above. I knew already when I took the picture that I would not be going down this one again - it was no pleasure, all icy and steep. I can get down most slopes, gracefully is another issue. :p

Beautiful light up there though. The flats at the bottom of the valley is the frozen river flowing through.

Love my brother's goggles. That's all you'll see of me on skis, ha! :) The benefits of being behind the camera.

My brothers cooking together in the tiny cabin kitchen.

Now that's my kind of slope. I love cruising along moderately steep strips, going all over the shop from one side to the other. My youngest brother and I had most fun going off into the woods though, maneuvering small paths between and under the pinetrees.

Thanks for reading this and I hope you all enjoyed your holidays. Wishing you sunlight and a clear view towards brighter days and warmer breezes.

time to breathe

Hello sweet people :)

So happy to be back and reading what you've been up to, something I will keep doing over the next days. D has gone on the yearly Brockwood Park staff hiking trip in the Lake District so I'm alone for the week. We only came back late late last night and I'm still processing the family holiday in my head and resting. Thank you all so much for the touching comments you made on my last post before I left - it made my eyes tear up and my heart goes out to you, thank you for letting me into your arms.

I'm in bed right now with a cold, having blueberries and playing with my christmas present, can you see it? The old chest of drawers is next to my side of the bed and I've wanted to take pictures of things in one of those worn drawers for a long time. As for the new camera it's an adventure just figuring out the basics. This is going to take me a while but once I get the hang of it, oh boy! I will post the skiing photos soon (taken with the old camera, it could take my one crash and burn) but first just wanted to say hello. I've been quiet this holiday and think I might be for a bit longer, feeling pensive and on the brink of something. The greatest things seem to happen after the hardest times for me, we'll see. Thanking you for being around though, you inspire me more than I can say and I am so grateful to be going into this shiny new year with you. Bless. Leaving you with a quote - time to breathe:

It's time to breathe
Time to believe
Let it go and run
towards the sea
They don't teach that
they don't know what you mean
They don't understand
they don't know what you mean
They don't get it
I wanna scream
I wanna breathe again
I wanna dream

Q-Tip in R.E.M's Outsiders

what was and what will be

This year has brought me:

~ Friends, more than I ever asked for and the most wonderful people too (that means you)

~ Photography, the way to be creative naturally (because I love it) that I have been looking for without knowing it

~ Glimpses of courage, that has nudged me into life when I was still saying no

~ Glimpses of compassion, for myself and for others. An acceptance that isn't judgmental or forgiving but understanding

~ Insights about myself, that were refreshing and liberating, but inevitably hard and heavy too

~ Inspiration and dreams, that I haven't dared imagine for a long time if ever

and I am grateful for it all, the hard times as well as the wonderful.

Wishing you translucent little seedlings that sprout a fresh green, poke their little tips above ground in your life and flower into the most colourful blooms you could never have imagined.

Thank you (all the way from the tips of my toes!) for this year, you wonderful beautiful people.

Happy new year!

xoxo

May the magical adventures begin... :)